3 Glasses In...

I preface this with saying, "I have already had three glasses of wine, and am currently working on my fourth." But really, when is a better time to write? (or not to write--that is the question?)

Friends keep asking me, why I keep defending him. The answer is quite easy: he did nothing wrong.

No obligations. My reaction is simply mine.

When so many of us are confused with the direction we're going in life, how can I fault someone for a different way of living?

Truthfully, he got the brunt of a reaction intended for someone else. But he was there, so he got the lecture.

Me and my lectures.

Lectures meant to help.

But I wonder sometimes if the lectures are for the person I give them to, or if they are for me. Besides friends asking me why I defend him, they also ask how it's possible I haven't found someone yet.

This is the tough one. Because truthfully, I don't think it's their fault.

It's mine.

As much as I don't want to say this, I think it's the most truthful writing I will place anywhere (and can only be posted because I'm three glasses in):

I don't know who I am yet.

I'm still learning. Still exploring. Testing.

As much as I say another person doesn't know what they want in life, I recognize I don't either.

So no more questions please. No more trying to figure someone else out. No more protecting me. No more. No more questions of others actions I can't answer. No more questioning me how I can see both sides (I just do).

I need to figure myself out.

No more "time" given to events/people I can't control. No more.

All I want, right now, is to recognize the gifts I've been given in life. I want to focus on how each individual has made an impact on my life. I want to focus on the future and the magic it will bring.

(oh....how I wish I had another glass of wine)  

Still Photos in Motion...

It has to start out this way.

When I was five, I remember vividly unwrapping my birthday present in bed. My parents sat on opposite sides of that twin sized mattress awaiting my delight.

And delight it was. For underneath the wrapping paper was my very first camera. A 1984 Fisher Price: deep blue, with durable black siding, and a large yellow button that let you know your shot was taken. It took 110 mm film and was topped with the gloriously large flash cube.

I've been addicted to photos ever since.

It was also the camera that taught me know matter how basic your materials, a person can capture and create amazing things.

And so, more than 25 years later, I found myself walking, finding a bench, and needing to document the emotions I couldn't control. Not having the Fisher Price Camera, I reached instead for my iPhone 3G and took a picture. The next night, I took a few more...followed by many more on many evening walks.

My Mom says I should entitle it, "Girl Waiting." I feel "Searching" is a more accurate word. For now though, I leave it untitled. Because though I have rendered this film, the creation process is never over.

4 months, a girl with an iPhone and two walking feet (typically protected by Keen): This is what I created.

(Music is from the amazing local talents of the former SLC band Gerald Music "Are We Hyphenated?"