70 Things to Know about Stan Olmstead

Whenever I tell a story about my Dad, I begin it the same way:

“If you don’t know my dad, you should meet him. But when you meet him there are three things you need to know about him before you meet him.”

The first two are always the same, the third varies dependent on the story I plan to tell. The more stories I tell, I realize there are many things everyone should know about Dad!

1. His nickname is “Stan the Man the Mountain Man”.
2. If you ask Stan a yes or no question, you need to be prepared to listen to the 20 to 30 minute response that will follow which will provide all the factual details as to his yes or no response.
3. He began his fulltime career with the government as a Scatologist.
4. He has had his mustache since 1972!
5. He was born a day early, in a bed pan, because his Mom was went into labor while plucking chickens.
6. When Shannon and I were young, living in Olympia, Washington, Stan saved Shannon’s Halloween pumpkin from teens playing a holiday prank. As they ran to smash the pumpkin in the road, Stan came charging out of the garage holding a bloody knife and in a blood stained smock, he had just been butchering a deer when they came to have their fun. I think the teens had more of a trick than a treat on that holiday.
7. He tells amazingly good bedtime stories! Ask him for Johnny and the Bear, or any of the sci-fi stories that at age eleven I found were taken from the Twilight Zone (Dad tells them better).
8. When Shannon was born in 1975, he passed out cigars to his entire class, informing the students and instructor he’d have to skip class as he had just become a father.
9. He can talk to ANYONE!!
10. He swears his Levi jeans saved his life in his worst motorcycle accident.
11. He doesn’t drink out of a straw, and surprisingly it’s not for environmental reasons.
12. His favorite birthday cake, isn’t cake, it’s blueberry pie.
13. He lights fireworks off with emergency roadside flares.
14. He makes the best hot Tang around. It’s best to share with him on a cold fall day in a canoe on a marsh while he tells you all the Latin names of birds flying by.
    
15. He hates the word “fart”.
16. One of his MANY goals is to climb the highest peak in every US state. He only has eleven remaining.
17. He has climbed the highest peak in England, Wales, and Scotland.
18. His decision to not take a job in Alaska and instead take one that led our family to Utah saved his life. We’re thankful everyday.
19. He did act the BEAR of a father once, pounding on a hotel room door at two in the morning proclaiming, “If I ever see you with my daughter again, I’ll kill you.” This has become one of our favorite family stories to tell.
20. He likes to work with his hands. Making woodwork furniture, no one piece ever the same as another.
21. He is the best pub quiz member you can have on your team.
22. Another of his MANY goals is to visit every county in the US. Be warned if you take a road-trip with him.
23. In 1975-1976 he planted trees along the entirety of the Northwestern coast.
24. His favorite Christmas present as a kid was a long bow. He snuck down early to open it, and his mom sat with him the whole time he learned to string it.
25. He has been perfecting his oatmeal cookie recipe for over thirty years, and every time they’re delicious.
    
26. He’s willing to take directions from Liverpool teen delinquents, or any other stranger for that matter, but rarely from the people in the car with him.
27. In the red Subaru, it was common to have The Judds ‘Heartland’ tape playing on repeat.
    
28. In the army his nickname was “Fluff” as Lori refused to starch his uniform, informing him he could do it if he wanted.
29. One of his favorite stories is “The Ledge” by Lawrence Sargent Hall.
30. He’s a massive history buff, specifically US early history.
31. He’s a great tipper.
32. Every Christmas, since I can remember and probably before, he buys roses for the women in his life.
33. He has handled more coyotes than anyone else in the world.
34. He wears cowboy boots when he dresses up for an event.
35. He took the storyteller Bil Lepp on a hike in Tennessee, only to go rolling down the hill narrowly missing a forgotten mine shaft, something that seems taken directly from one of Bil’s stories.
36. At age three, his mother bought him his first back pack which he credits to his love of hiking to this day.
37. He loves to eat anchovies.
38. He taught me how to steer a car at age six on the country back roads of Utah.
39. He is the only person I know who was telling the truth when they said, “I just had the worst drivers license photo taken.” If only the DMV would have let him keep it as a party conversation starter.
40. He calls flat caps Brian Bewsie hats after a friend from elementary school.
41. He hiked the Sierra Nevada Trail with Steve Nellis at age 17.
42. The first time he grounded Shannon he took her fishing.
43. He says Lori won him over when her response to him saying he was having a bad day was her bringing him a watermelon to brighten his day.
44. By all accounts, he should have a Guinness World Record for the number of times he has consecutively watched the movie “Lonesome Dove”.
    
45. The first time he met Lori was at a group outing for pizza, sitting next to her he didn’t say an entire word to her until he left. He slipped a coupon to Ed’s pizza to her and said, “Keep this to remember me by.”
46. When on a cross country trip with his friends at age 20, they found themselves in Mexico at a gas station and he confused the word Cuanto with Como, telling the attendant “I eat a lot of gasoline.” Instead of asking, how much is the gasoline.
47. He makes the most refreshing malt milkshakes.
48. When we were out of control as kids (and in public), he would sternly say, “Do I need to take you to the car.” Shannon and I still have no idea what would have happened in the car, his tone was enough to get us to fall in line.
49. He lives by the principle of non-interference always telling his girls, “You can do what you want.” Supporting us every step of the way.
50. He always says, “It never hurts to have a little cash on you,” right before he ends a visit with Shannon or I, handing us a twenty-dollar bill.
51. He is not a gambler, but he use to take me on special drives across the Idaho boarder to get scratch cards as a kid.
52. He attended the 2017 National Science March in DC with his brother-in-law Ron.
53. He has three brothers and one sister.
54. He was quoted in Rolling Stone Magazine.
55. He is famously known for sending a memo to the entirety of the Bureau of Land Management five minutes before his official retirement, requesting they return to their mission.
56. At Easter he always carved a lamb out of butter for the family brunch, complete with curly butter wool.
57. He was a wrestler in high school.
58. In his teens, his favorite song was “Runaway” by Del Shannon.
59. He always has a frozen glass in the freezer for those days you need your thirst quenched.
60. Before Shannon was two, he was able to balance her standing in the palm of his hand.
    
61. His astrological symbol is the Crab, which “suggests the meticulous and protective nature of the sensible...”
62. Within the Chinese Zodiac he is under the year of the Rat, “with strong intuition and quick response, they easily adapt themselves to a new environment.”
63. One of his all time favorite songs is (Ghost) Riders in the Sky.
64. His early college friends are Waren and Pat, they all worked together at the Jack in the Box, and they are still in touch today.
65. Stan does NOT cuss.
66. He asked Lori’s father for her hand in marriage while fixing a tire for him.
67. When you notice he’s getting anxious to leave a restaurant, protect your beer, he will down your beer to get to the next adventure.
68. He’s known in our family for constantly quoting to us, “It’s not the outcome, it’s the process.”
69. His new saying to his daughters has become, “You’ll probably find I’m more right now than I use to be.” For some reason it makes me laugh!
    
70. Stan Olmstead was born July 3, 1948 in Dover, Ohio!

 

Happy 70^th Birthday Dad!!!

To anyone reading this who knows my Dad, fill free to add something you know about him with a comment.

Home...

If only the sun could shine as bright outside as the yellow curtain that radiates in the steam of hot showers. Barometric pressure falling for ease of breath. Fearing daily routines and obligations, while searching to find a place to ignite the creative spark into flames.

The house transforms daily. Exterior worn by weather, stripping of paint. Molding gnawed by squirrels teeth. Broken windows taped with black duct tape to retain stability and resist wind. The framing creeks, and stairs sound when walked upon. Hardened orange glue coats the shower walls, protection against water damage. Light shines through frosted windows, muting and comforting the imperfection contained within. Shampoo and conditioner bottles line the shelf next to the tub. They aren’t designer, instead soaps and cleansers purchased on a budget. Beauty products retained since high school, with updated bobby pins and old glasses speckle the ambiance. Hot water from pipes cleanses and washes away the past. Brushes stick, putting everything back into place. The mirrors reflect the hope of possible change showing limitations in time. Gray hairs surprise the display, each earned and intimidating. Speaking of youth slipping, but the house doesn’t believe in such superficial notions.

Early 80s style linoleum, cream in color with browned diamonds, make boxed patterns. The tub is new. Installed specifically to sale. Incomplete and functioning. Three holes in the ceiling show peaping light from attic. A hidden place to explore, uninsulated, but curious all the same.

Spiders roam without fear or inhibition. Nights wakened by tickling legs on cheek, chin, and chest. They don’t admire the hardwood floors or victorian trimmed windows. They gravitate to travel across flesh, anticipating a treat of a hungry mosquito in mid bite.

The words asbestos and lead or used in the three stories. Ten foot tall ceilings and unlimited space take away all worry. Mannequin arms drape the floor waiting to lend a hand. Music fills each and every room by instruments and technology. One gas fireplace is the only form of heat for seven rooms. At night, sleeping bags and knitted hats are required. Socks to cover cold toes.  Still, the coffee scenting the kitchen in the morning is inviting like a Folgers commercial at Christmas. Deer skulls ornament the shelves, a bright yellow daisy, the eye for one, trying to peer upon the rusting silhouette of a woman’s torso decorating the extend front porch.  

1911 built and the home still expresses those contained within. Splashes of differing green on shingles, banisters, and trim. Three struggling individuals, building their lives through passions, desires, dreams.  A location and time to repair, create, shape. A place to call home.

Finding One's Wings

 


Guided by candle lantern
And sky of night
Peaking upon starlight
Ave take flight


 


Once, there was a young girl who was lost. She would constantly wander the land, but she could not remember her home. When she reached a village, she would stay for awhile. People told her to settle down, find stability, meet a man (for she was now truly a woman, not a girl), but every evening dreams brewed inside her head. Dreams of an ocean unseen, a city not yet explored, a forest of soft pine.

By morning, she would be gone--her feet taking a new path.

On one such day, the girl found herself completely alone. She was low on provisions and chill air bit into her bones. To comfort herself she began to whistle a small tune. A tune she had always known, but had never placed upon her lips. As soon as the notes hit the air, the sound echoed on the trees, and she heard mixed in the song a rustling by a near tree. Moving closer to it, a small quail, holding a small stick in its beak, jumped upon her path and stopped quite abruptly to look into her eyes. Seeing the girl was not dangerous, the quail dropped its stick into her bag and slowly walked the path again and the girl followed.

In time, the girl and the quail reached a large lake and they sat beside it to admire the water and their reflections upon it.  The girl placed her lips right to the waters edge and whistled her comforting tune and small ripples shivered on the lake's surface. From its depths a mallard duck emerged, its head glinting bright green. The mallard nestled itself to the girl's side and she lightly touched the mallard's green plume and emeralds dropped from the feathers into her bag. The girl whistled her tune to thank the two birds for their gifts and the notes wrapped around the light dew beginning to coat the forest floor when a rooster’s crow was added to the mix.

Pecking at the earth the rooster strutted its way to the girl, and dropped a kernel of corn held within its beak into the girls open bag. The girl cocked her head to the rooster in a warm affection way only to notice the sun was beginning to set, hints of violet spread across the sky, and she must continue on her way. By try as she might, the girl could not find away to cross the lake. Its water continued with no end in sight.

She was blocked.

Saddened, she sat with her new friends under a nearby pine tree and began to cry. Her tears fell to the ground, coating the needles nearby. But her tears stopped when the rhythm of her tune was struck upon the air as a rat-a-tat-tat sound from above. 

Perched in the tree was a woodpecker, hitting its beak against the trunk. To keep the bird motivated, the girl whistled added her voice to the sound of his work. In what seemed like no time at all, the tree fell into the lake's water allowing her and her friends to cross half the distance. They walked to the rhythm of her tune, and when they reached the end of the tree’s limbs a large swan was waiting to glide the party across.

Night had taken over, but the girl was able to catch movement in the sky. A large barn owl swept across the sky. With each stretch of its wings, stars sparked. As the owl began to descend, his wing caught a falling star that dropped as a diamond into the girl's bag. 

The owl landed deftly by the girl’s feet. His large eyes glowed bright, and the girl saw it held a fish in its talons. Taking the stick gifted her by the quail, a rock from the earth, and the emerald of the mallard, the girl was able to make a fire. With the water of the lake, the rooster’s kernel of corn, and the fish brought by the owl, the girl made a stew to feed herself and all her new found friends. 

In thanks, all the birds helped to build a nest to fit their weary companion. They settled by her side, sang her song to the stars, and the warmth of their feathers against her cheek made her drift quickly to sleep.

Her dreams were vivid.

Each of her new friends guided her and gave her advice as they traveled farther in the night. The quail urged her to appreciate the path, the mallard suggested she always continue to dive to new depths. Rooster encouraged her always to crow with her own voice. Woodpecker said there is always a way around what you think bars you. Swan spoke that grace is found within those who are willing to endure, and Owl showed her there is nothing to fear in darkness for beauty is always present. 

And then a stranger joined the crew. Tall and grand, the bird could only be described as an Emperor refined in a black and white suit. The Emperor kissed the girl’s hand and bowed before her. He provided her a glowing lantern and told her to find her true flock, for with them is your heart.

When the girl awoke, she was no longer in her nest, but standing before a village. Her new friends had gone, but the memory of her dream lingered like a drifting feather. With one step the girl heard her tune whistled from another person's lips. The girl searched for the player of the song and came upon a woman seated by a fire. The girl whistled the tune in unison with the woman, and then she decided to speak.

“I don’t bring much, but I have one small diamond to give if you would let me stay in your village.”

Hearing the girl’s voice the woman turned to the girl. “Your being here is worth more than any jewel you could give.” The woman wrapped her arms around the girl. Instantly the girl felt as a blue jay flying, her wings brushing the tops of clouds. 

“I will always support your wings." The woman said smiling. "Welcome home, my precious daughter.”

***

Writers Notes: At Christmas I presented my mom with a gift--a print from the wonderful and amazing Utah artist Darrell Driver. For me, the image represented our combined love for stories. A picture I thought would remind my mom (on the days that writers block occurs) to stay whimsical, our best ideas are the ones that just happen to flutter by. Plus, my mom likes birds. 

But I wanted to do more with this gift. As  the print was visual, I wanted to place a few words to it for her. As I began to write this tale, it took a different direction than I had originally intended. Somehow it went from the opening chapter of a possible fantasy novel, to a folktale with my mom's wedding ring finding its way into the mix (hence the emerald and diamonds, which somehow--miraculously without any fortune-telling--also represent my sister's and my birthstones). I like the stories simplicity from such a playful and elegant piece of art. I hope you like it Mom, and I encourage anyone else who has read to this point to check out the artists website and enjoy the image that got me to write this piece.

Dear Santa,

You are about to begin your travels in the sky. Spreading cheer and joy around the world. Here, in Tennessee, I'm spending time with the folks. We have thus far battled in two games of Scrabble, and two games of Yahtzee. Dad and I picked out a tree that Mom and I then decorated (Mom more so than me, plus it was fun to watch her reach the higher branches with the decorations attached to cooking tongs). Dad proved Mom and I are the same height. When I was adamant I must be taller, he had us stand back to back and balanced the Scrabble boards on both our heads and exclaimed, "You're the same height!" This is my family.

It's been awhile since I last wrote, and a lot has taken place. Between the decision to move to a new state and start new, the process of finding myself in a new city, and all the dreams I still have for myself at the moment and in the future, life has become a bit of a whirlwind in the best possible way. There are too many people to thank individually for the new adventure I find myself on, but I would like to share a few things with you before you make your travels.

As you are going over your list and checking it twice, please consider providing a little extra cheer to the Delta agent who performed a holiday miracle of finding a reasonably priced and time efficient flight when my flight on Frontier had been canceled. He truly made my Christmas by allowing me the time to spend with my folks.

Also, make a note that Jamie and Isaac deserve a few extra treats to brighten the coming year. They opened their home and personalities to me. It is such a joy to find people who want the best for others, who embrace the need for change, and are supportive of another individual and welcome that person's individuality (even when that person's individuality consists of a 37 year old who believes in Santa).

When you find yourself in the sky above Bakersfield, CA can you make your sleigh bells ring just a bit louder so Sis can remember all those times in our youth we waited for you to arrive. She'll know I'm thinking about her that way, and I wouldn't have been able to make the leap I did this year without her support and encouragement.

If you head to Portland, OR after CA it would be greatly appreciated if you could stop in and say hi to Sinatra--maybe you could leave her a small toy mouse. I miss her curling up with me in bed, and she has been the best of cat for the 16+ years since she chose to be in my life.

To all my friends in SLC, provide them with the gift of a blanket of snow so they can cuddle up together. Maybe provide the hot coco for them to sip on while they tell stories and memories of all the times spent together (I'd say to leave them High West Whiskey, but I don't want you to get in trouble with any of the strange Utah liquor laws--wouldn't that be a scene--Santa fined by the UABC).

As for when you arrive tonight in Tennessee, the folks and I will be finishing our traditional fondue dinner. I know I'm not supposed to see you or your sleigh, but this Christmas all I ask is that you bring my family a lasting memory. Maybe, while we're going over a story of a Christmas past shared together, your reindeer could entice a doe deer into the back yard for us to gaze in wonder and be at peace.

That is what you have brought me every Christmas. A moment of peace to be with the people I love, to say thank you to friends who have become family. For that Santa, I am always in your debt. Thank you for all the years (and many more to come) of believing in the good people can bring, and the smiles and laughter shared with all those who have been a part of my life.

And now I must sign off. Mom wants me to bake my Ginger Snap cookies. I'll save a few for you to enjoy tonight. Safe travels Santa.

Merry Christmas!

Denver