Banter Batter: And Other Sass I've Baked!: 70 Things to Know about Stan Olmstead

Whenever I tell a story about my Dad, I begin it the same way:

“If you don’t know my dad, you should meet him. But when you meet him there are three things you need to know about him before you meet him.”

The first two are always the same, the third varies dependent on the story I plan to tell. The more stories I tell, I realize there are many things everyone should know about Dad!

His nickname is “Stan the Man the Mountain Man”.
If you ask Stan a yes or no question, you need to be prepared to listen to the 20 to 30 minute response that will follow which will provide all the factual details as to his yes or no response.
He began his fulltime career with the government as a Scatologist.
He has had his mustache since 1972!
He was born a day early, in a bed pan, because his Mom was went into labor while plucking chickens.
When Shannon and I were young, living in Olympia, Washington, Stan saved Shannon’s Halloween pumpkin from teens playing a holiday prank. As they ran to smash the pumpkin in the road, Stan came charging out of the garage holding a bloody knife and in a blood stained smock, he had just been butchering a deer when they came to have their fun. I think the teens had more of a trick than a treat on that holiday.
He tells amazingly good bedtime stories! Ask him for Johnny and the Bear, or any of the sci-fi stories that at age eleven I found were taken from the Twilight Zone (Dad tells them better).
When Shannon was born in 1975, he passed out cigars to his entire class, informing the students and instructor he’d have to skip class as he had just become a father.
He can talk to ANYONE!!
He swears his Levi jeans saved his life in his worst motorcycle accident.
He doesn’t drink out of a straw, and surprisingly it’s not for environmental reasons.
His favorite birthday cake, isn’t cake, it’s blueberry pie.
He lights fireworks off with emergency roadside flares.
He makes the best hot Tang around. It’s best to share with him on a cold fall day in a canoe on a marsh while he tells you all the Latin names of birds flying by.
He hates the word “fart”.
One of his MANY goals is to climb the highest peak in every US state. He only has eleven remaining.
He has climbed the highest peak in England, Wales, and Scotland.
His decision to not take a job in Alaska and instead take one that led our family to Utah saved his life. We’re thankful everyday.
He did act the BEAR of a father once, pounding on a hotel room door at two in the morning proclaiming, “If I ever see you with my daughter again, I’ll kill you.” This has become one of our favorite family stories to tell.
He likes to work with his hands. Making woodwork furniture, no one piece ever the same as another.
He is the best pub quiz member you can have on your team.
Another of his MANY goals is to visit every county in the US. Be warned if you take a road-trip with him.
In 1975-1976 he planted trees along the entirety of the Northwestern coast.
His favorite Christmas present as a kid was a long bow. He snuck down early to open it, and his mom sat with him the whole time he learned to string it.
He has been perfecting his oatmeal cookie recipe for over thirty years, and every time they’re delicious.
He’s willing to take directions from Liverpool teen delinquents, or any other stranger for that matter, but rarely from the people in the car with him.
In the red Subaru, it was common to have The Judds ‘Heartland’ tape playing on repeat.
In the army his nickname was “Fluff” as Lori refused to starch his uniform, informing him he could do it if he wanted.
One of his favorite stories is “The Ledge” by Lawrence Sargent Hall.
He’s a massive history buff, specifically US early history.
He’s a great tipper.
Every Christmas, since I can remember and probably before, he buys roses for the women in his life.
He has handled more coyotes than anyone else in the world.
He wears cowboy boots when he dresses up for an event.
He took the storyteller Bil Lepp on a hike in Tennessee, only to go rolling down the hill narrowly missing a forgotten mine shaft, something that seems taken directly from one of Bil’s stories.
At age three, his mother bought him his first back pack which he credits to his love of hiking to this day.
He loves to eat anchovies.
He taught me how to steer a car at age six on the country back roads of Utah.
He is the only person I know who was telling the truth when they said, “I just had the worst drivers license photo taken.” If only the DMV would have let him keep it as a party conversation starter.
He calls flat caps Brian Bewsie hats after a friend from elementary school.
He hiked the Sierra Nevada Trail with Steve Nellis at age 17.
The first time he grounded Shannon he took her fishing.
He says Lori won him over when her response to him saying he was having a bad day was her bringing him a watermelon to brighten his day.
By all accounts, he should have a Guinness World Record for the number of times he has consecutively watched the movie “Lonesome Dove”.
The first time he met Lori was at a group outing for pizza, sitting next to her he didn’t say an entire word to her until he left. He slipped a coupon to Ed’s pizza to her and said, “Keep this to remember me by.”
When on a cross country trip with his friends at age 20, they found themselves in Mexico at a gas station and he confused the word Cuanto with Como, telling the attendant “I eat a lot of gasoline.” Instead of asking, how much is the gasoline.
He makes the most refreshing malt milkshakes.
When we were out of control as kids (and in public), he would sternly say, “Do I need to take you to the car.” Shannon and I still have no idea what would have happened in the car, his tone was enough to get us to fall in line.
He lives by the principle of non-interference always telling his girls, “You can do what you want.” Supporting us every step of the way.
He always says, “It never hurts to have a little cash on you,” right before he ends a visit with Shannon or I, handing us a twenty-dollar bill.
He is not a gambler, but he use to take me on special drives across the Idaho boarder to get scratch cards as a kid.
He attended the 2017 National Science March in DC with his brother-in-law Ron.
He has three brothers and one sister.
He was quoted in Rolling Stone Magazine.
He is famously known for sending a memo to the entirety of the Bureau of Land Management five minutes before his official retirement, requesting they return to their mission.
At Easter he always carved a lamb out of butter for the family brunch, complete with curly butter wool.
He was a wrestler in high school.
In his teens, his favorite song was “Runaway” by Del Shannon.
He always has a frozen glass in the freezer for those days you need your thirst quenched.
Before Shannon was two, he was able to balance her standing in the palm of his hand.
His astrological symbol is the Crab, which “suggests the meticulous and protective nature of the sensible...”
Within the Chinese Zodiac he is under the year of the Rat, “with strong intuition and quick response, they easily adapt themselves to a new environment.”
One of his all time favorite songs is (Ghost) Riders in the Sky.
His early college friends are Waren and Pat, they all worked together at the Jack in the Box, and they are still in touch today.
Stan does NOT cuss.
He asked Lori’s father for her hand in marriage while fixing a tire for him.
When you notice he’s getting anxious to leave a restaurant, protect your beer, he will down your beer to get to the next adventure.
He’s known in our family for constantly quoting to us, “It’s not the outcome, it’s the process.”
His new saying to his daughters has become, “You’ll probably find I’m more right now than I use to be.” For some reason it makes me laugh!
Stan Olmstead was born July 3, 1948 in Dover, Ohio!